“No, that was the second time I’ve been to the gym. I joined yesterday. It’s going to be a whole new me, I promise you!
“It’s great. They’re so friendly, they say hello every time I walk in, and they already know my name. I think I’m just going to have to be careful I don’t become a gym junkie. I know!
“Hmm… let me see… I’ll have a green tea, thanks. No, no I can’t, I’m trying to get off caffeine. New beans? Free trade? Oh, I shouldn’t but… well, I’ve already been to the gym today; sure I’ll have a latte, thanks.
“Now, where was I? Ah yes, the gym. So, I do ten minutes on the cross trainer, then ten minutes on the bike – I can read mags on that, catch up with all the latest! Then ten minutes on the treadmill and then I do weights. All those machines and stuff. I feel a bit sore today, but I tell you, I’m turning things around! Fresh start and all that!
“Oooh, I’m starving. I’ll have the big breakfast. Breakfast for lunch, how cheeky! No, bacon’s fine. It’s part of this new diet… you can have the bacon, sausage and all that provided you don’t drink water at the same time. Apparently, water makes the fat confused and it just jumps on to whatever it can, but if you eat it without water it just goes straight through. Counter-intuitive? What a fancy word! You must be a devil to play scrabble with!
“Speaking of counters, I got this new pedometer which counts your steps. Apparently you are supposed to aim for a thousand per day. Ten thousand? Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t want to run a marathon! No, I’m sure it’s a thousand. Anyhow, I’m already up to… three hundred? That seems a bit low. I mean I’ve already walked to the letterbox and back. No, the house next to the house next door. But surely that’s at least two hundred. I supposed I have a long stride; I’ll have to take smaller steps. No, it must be broken, because I went to the car three times looking for the car pass for the gym. If I don’t have that, I have to park on the street, and by the time I get in to the gym I am totally knackered!
“Ah, thanks. Mmmmm…. Oooooo… it’s a bit bitter isn’t it? I’d better put in some sugar. It’s ok; it’s brown sugar, that’s not fattening. No, it isn’t, anything brown is good for you. I read it in… well, something. No, you wouldn’t eat, that, don’t be disgusting.
“Did you see that Mandy’s put on weight? I think she’s gone up two dress sizes in the last two months! No discipline at all, that girl! Ah, still bitter. I think another half… oh bugger it. I went to the gym today, I’ll have another sugar. Pregnant! Really? Well, some people wear the pregnancy better than others. Look at Nicole Ritchie. Maybe someone needs to tell Mandy to lay off the cream buns!
“Thanks, oh, you put on Hollandaise by accident? Look, it’s fine. No, really, don’t get him to do it again, I’ll have it as is, honestly, don’t worry.
“They always do this here. Get the order wrong and won’t fix it. No, it’s fine. I went to the gym this morning. It’ll be ok. Mmmmm… actually, it’s very nice Hollandaise, not too runny. Cream? Well, as long as it’s organic, you know, it’s fine. The body will break down organic cream in moments; it’s just the non-organic cream that causes all the problems. Yes, that’s what I heard. No, really? Well, I guess that goes on this list of things to avoid. Mango, Arborio rice, seaweed, fried foods… I suppose this hash brown is fried, but it’s not deep-fried, that’s the killer, isn’t it? Oh, I’ve lost track. Mango, Arborio rice, seaweed, deep fried foods, jelly, jellyfish, fish cakes, cake and iceberg lettuce. Well, I put iceberg lettuce in; it’s just awful, isn’t it? I much prefer a cos.
“Apparently, the quicker you eat, the less fat you put on. It’s something to do with gravity and inertia, that’s what I heard. Hm? No, I’m not going to eat the tomato or spinach; apparently they have the wrong kind of anti-oxidants.
“Um, oh go on, I’ll have another coffee. Actually, can you make it take-away? Two sugars, thanks love. Brown sugar? Thanks.
“I’ve got to get to Myer, they’re having a sale on their gym wear. I know I have two outfits, but the way I’m going I’ll need more than that! I thought maybe something blue for Pilates and a red Thai Fisherman’s pant for yoga – I believe Country Road have got an excellent Thai Fisherman’s pant this season.
“So, I’ll be seeing you tomorrow for lunch? With the ladies? Marvellous. Yeah, I’m having my hair done in the morning, and I’ve got the mid-week book club after lunch. I know, it is decadent to do it during the day, but it is mid-week. Probably a bubbly or two. So, I’ll get to the gym in the morning… although I’m having a late one tonight, trying out that new French place in Prahran, I think it could be a boozy one, too!
“If I don’t get to the gym tomorrow, it’s not the end of the world, one day off, I am human. On Friday, we’re heading down to the shack for a long weekend. No, no, it’s fine. I’ve been twice already; I think I can afford to take it easy! Now, you take care, no slacking off! Ha ha, I’m watching you! Mwah, mwah.”