“Kaitlin, when did Hitler come to power?”

“Kaitlin, what was the downfall of the Roman Empire?”

“Kaitlin, can you please put away that magazine and attempt the questions on page 14?”

“Kaitlin, do you really need to apply that orange nail polish in the middle of this test?”

“Kaitlin, other people may like to pass this subject so please, stop singing and sit down.”

“Kaitlin, either you can either explain the broken window to me or to the principal.”

“Kaitlin, whilst it is not recommended that you write this essay in French, I am happy to accept it in French. If you ever learn French, that is.”

“Kaitlin, at this point, there is no human effort possible that you could make to pass this subject. There are two weeks of classes left, you have not passed a single test, completed a single piece of work, or remained in the classroom for a single class.”

“Kaitlin’s mother. It is so nice to meet you in person. As I, and the level co-ordinator and the school counsellor and the principal have all explained to you over the phone, Kaitlin has not got either the attendance or the required work completed to pass this subject. No, she has not attended all classes. No, she has not completed any work. No, she has not passed any tests. I am pleased to hear that she can retell the story of Captain Cook and the First Fleet, however that was covered in Year Seven history and this is Year Twelve. I am sorry that you think this is my fault. I understand that you think that I am a poor teacher, however my average class score until this year has been over ninety per cent. Yes, I understand that you are prepared to go to both A Current Affair and Today Tonight over this, however I am not prepared to fake your daughter’s results so that she passes this subject.”

“Marlene, I know I have had an exemplary career over twenty-five years, however I must insist that you accept my resignation. I have been looking at the class lists and see that Kaitlin’s twin sisters are in both my English and History classes next year. I am extremely concerned that I will end my career with a charge of assault or possibly even murder. I wish my replacement well. And lots of luck.”

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